SPRINGFIELD, MA – Citing a decline in super cool firearms and wicked gunfights, weapon manufacturer Smith and Wesson has revealed a new line of shoot-ier, blast-o-riffic hand-cannons.
“This one has a laser-sight and a knife attached to it,” said Smith and Wesson CEO James Debney while bouncing on the balls of his feet. “It’s sooooooo cool.”
The new Smith and Wesson line is made up of over three dozen new guns, several variations on the throwing star, and a pair of hollow glass nunchucks that are filled with dangerous spiders. While the basics of the guns remain the same, advancements have been made in many other areas.
“This one has a secret pocket where you can hide gum or, like, the dog tags from all the enemy soldiers you kill,” said Debney about his company’s new “Defcon Xtreme” handgun. “I guess you could use it for home security but really I designed it to totally vaporize bad guys. Bang, bang!”
Debney then demonstrated several super sweet assault weapons and ammo, including a gun that can shoot a bomb off a terrorist, a flamethrower that can also punch people, and a new bullet that screams when you fire it.
“In the USA, guns kill almost as many people as cars,” explained Debney. “But never fear: these new weapons will kill all the bad guys real good.”
At press time, Colt had revealed its new line of frilly guns for girls.
