STRATFORD, ON – After an eternal time studying, countless hours researching articles on the nation’s schools, coordinating multiple reviews of student experiences, and many sleepless nights, 26-year-old Darren Ratner has finally graduated from the university application process.
The journey began when Ratner first officially looked into schools in the distant time of two months ago.
“I started looking at a couple schools seriously,” said a jittery Ratner over his sixth Red Bull. “One of them had a minimum average, which was fine, but I attended a college after high school, so I wasn’t sure what they took into account from that. Another required an additional recommendation from people who worked in the field… before you know it I had written a 12-page essay of notes, and began formulating my thesis on how to go to a post-secondary education.”
Prospective students around the country have been doing similarly extensive application programs, choosing their life’s path of getting to the point where they can choose their life’s path, with a surprising 23% drop-out rate from the prospective student-students.
“I almost gave up hope a few times, turns out the OUAC website doesn’t even have an extension for college programs… I figured that out about halfway through hour nine… that was pretty hard. Seriously though, two completely separate websites for colleges and universities? Without even a joint account option? What the fuck?” Ratner continued.
The overwhelmed student-to-be also spoke of the financial hardships that came with his graduation, including a $500, non-refundable fee that came with the program, a non-negotiable part of the process which has no bearing on the actual considerations.
Looking to the future, Ratner announced his plans to enrol in a Masters program of going to the university’s individual websites to add supplementary information. A process that is projected to have an alcohol consumption rate equal to that of a two year MA.
