TORONTO – After silently going through most of a bottle of Crown Royal, Ontario auditor general Bonnie Lysyk released her pre-election report, stating that contrary to numbers released by the governing Ontario Liberal Party there was “nothing left, it’s all gone.”
“Yep,” stated the hiccuping government official. “Zilch. Nada. Bupkis.”
“Is that clear enough for you?” she added to reporters. “They spent it! They spent it all!”
After informing the conference that the Wynne government had underestimated its deficits by as much as 50%, Lysyk broke down in tears, her sobs interrupted by mutterings of “they never listen to me” and “why am I even here?”
Provincial law requires the auditor general to review the government’s financial figures ahead of each provincial election. The measure was instituted by Dalton McGuinty after the previous Progressive Conservative government left a hidden deficit, a fact that seemed to provoke Lysyk even more.
“They’re all the same!” she said, pouring herself another glass. “They’re all accountability this and transparency that and then before you know it’s oh we don’t have to count this pension plan or that hydro scheme.”
Government officials have responded to the auditor general’s concerns by asking her to “keep it down, you’ll wake up the baby” and assured the public in a press release that “there’s a horse race we’re subsidizing tomorrow and we got a good feeling about this one.”
Independent experts say that won’t be enough.
“Ontario is going to have to go back to Mr. Macey and ask if they can get their old job back,” says TD economist Albert Schweiz. “Docks will be busy this time of year.”
