BY DENNIS RODMAN
You know I’ve taken a lot of heat during my career.
Whether it’s for the dyed hair and the piercings, headbutting opponents, refusing to leave the court after being ejected from games, or having sex with Madonna and Doctor Drew, the media have always had something to say. So when I was approached by HBO and Vice TV to go on a goodwill mission to North Korea, I knew people would take shots.
But I saw an opportunity to share the game I love, basketball, while also living to the fullest excess on the hoarded wealth of a megalomaniacal dictator.
But this is about more than basketball. I’m also hoping to open the dialogue between North Korea and the USA. And what’s the best way to resume normal diplomatic relationships? A hard-court, a ball and some hoops, that’s how. Just like basketball, International diplomacy is all about the fundamentals.
Oh, also, on a side note, I’ll finally get a chance to fulfill my remaining sexual fantasies with a harem of barely nourished slave concubines.
Look, I understand that my new friend Kim Jong-Un is far from perfect. I played with Michael Jordan and, I hate to burst your bubble, but he wasn’t either. MJ gambled, Kim has imprisoned and murdered millions of his own citizens, and I myself am addicted to appearing on Celebrity Rehab! Everyone has their faults! The only way to fix them is to discuss them candidly.
Which is exactly what Kim and I did while feasting on extravagant delicacies in the royal palace, while the country starved to death around us.
Sharing my favourite sport with hundreds of Korean child athletes who are trained under stultifying discipline while their families are kept hostage and are viciously beaten when they so much as drop a bounce pass has been a memorable experience. Coincidentally, having a hundred and fifty thousand brainwashed children perform a meticulously choreographed dance just for my entertainment as I laughed and laughed with the knowledge that I could have them all killed has also been quite memorable!
So, while there’s no need for me to defend myself, I’ll say that I’m doing this for the same reason I’ve always played hard: for the love of the game, and for the reality-distorting amount of attention given to to me in the process.
And for hundreds of thousands of dollars. That too.
