WILMINGTON, DE – Tim Hortons company insiders revealed Monday that the beloved Canadian cultural icon is currently just testing its customers’ loyalty by releasing round after round of what executives themselves describe as a “vile assortment of visually revolting and barely palatable foods.”
Yet, despite ad campaigns featuring menu items that “resemble something made by toy cooking kits you give young children,” the company has reported no discernable change in sales.
“Some people have suggested we’re trying to ‘branch out’ from our staple coffee and donut items, but in reality we’re just bored executives locked in a long running bet about who can get Canadians to pay for the most disgusting ‘food’ imaginable,” said CEO of product development, Helen Childs. “We know exactly what we’re doing when we release a sickly looking English muffin with visibly painted grill marks and stuff a congealed egg substitute and bacon-looking strips inside of it and call it a ‘panini’.”
“Have you seen our fruit explosion muffin?” she added. “That thing looks like a menstruating uterus, but it’s one of our top selling breakfast items.”
Product tester Tony Rita said the competition began after a study determined that 90% of Canadians, upon hearing one of the company’s famous jingles combined with a Roll up the Rim to Win contest, would eat “fucking anything” with a smile on their face.
“We’re Tim Hortons and that’s just all it takes to get people to eat a, wait a minute,” said Rita as he reached into a hat and pulled out three photographs at random. “A muffin, maple syrup, bacon poutine…uh, sure why not. Can we grill that? Folks, say hello to our new spring item, ‘Maple syrup muffin poutine with strips of bacon.’ Why the hell not; It’s time for Tims, am I right?”
At press time, sales of the company’s strip cherry burst boston cream timbit mcgriddle were through the roof.
