MEDICINE HAT, AB – With the announcement that Canada has officially lost its measles elimination status, Canadians have begun taking sides on which other formerly endemic diseases they want to see establish themselves next in the country.
Supporters for Bubonic Plague have been sharing their thoughts about the disease across social media with the hashtag: #MoreLikeBasedPlague, first coined by Jordan Peterson on his podcast. In response, the Plague was the first disease to make an announcement that they were gunning to return.
“I’m going to make people remember why for centuries my name was associated with the very idea of ‘epidemic’,” said the Plague, doing 300lbs bench presses in a local gym. “Just wait until I build up an antibiotic resistant strain, or you guys decide to do another round of ‘bleach treatment.’ It’ll be the Black Death all over again.”
Avian Flu was previously trending quite highly, but following the Universal Ostrich Farm cull much of their social media buzz has died down, with their spokesperson announcing that they had suffered a ‘setback’.
Smallpox was also trending quite highly, but could not be reached for comment, as it currently only exists at the Centres for Disease Control in Atlanta. However, speaking on the subject, United States Secretary for Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. put out a statement saying: “We will not get outcompeted by Canada in our efforts to strengthen the immune systems of the national population. All options are open.”
Soon after, Polio scheduled an interview regarding their plans for re-emergence, using an afflicted 76-year old iron lung occupant as an interpreter. “The anti-vaxxers have really got my back, they’ve been huge contributors to my comeback tour Kickstarter. If we reach the next stretch goal we’ll see about performing down in the States,” explained Polio.
Support for Polio comes mostly from the measles-afflicted areas of Alberta, and upon hearing backlash from local populations over their plans to potentially re-locate to the states, they responded: “Sorry, we love Alberta, they’ve been super kind to us, but America’s where the real action is.”
At last report, Premier Danielle Smith said she was pursuing options to legally compel Polio to remain in the province under a previously-agreed contract.
