OTTAWA – With Prime Minister Mark Carney and Alberta Premier Danielle Smith signing a new pipeline agreement, Canada’s Minister of Canadian Identity and Culture Steven Guilbeault resigned from cabinet after Smith threatened to build her new pipeline directly through his home.
“I wasn’t going to leave, but then I came home to a note nailed to my door that read, in cut-out letters, ‘lEaVe cArNey’S gOveRnMent Or i WiLl pIpElinE yOuR hOuSe, You WinDmill-LoViNg fFeAk’,” the former Environment Minister said shakily, taking a moment from hastily packing his office belongings. “How does she know where I live?!”
“Also, does she know how far away Quebec is from Alberta? That’s a huge pipeline. If anything, her dedication to the threat is scarier than the threat itself.”
Danielle Smith was surprisingly happy to answer questions regarding her warning to the former minister, gleefully showing her hand-drawn blueprints of how the pipeline would go directly through Guilbeault’s front door, all of his bathrooms, his new flat screen tv, and then all of his cars in the garage.
“I want every clean energy-loving dipshit in Mark Carney’s cabinet to understand that I, Danielle Smith, will stop at nothing to absolutely ruin the environment, specifically their environments,” Smith stated. “And so just know that the second I catch even a whiff of support for solar power or tree planting, boom: this beautiful pipeline’s goin’ straight through your house too. Don’t fuck with me.”
At press time, current Minister of Environment and Climate Change Julie Dabrusin had just woken up to a horse head in her bed, though an Alberta spokesperson clarified that it was just “a leftover from last Stampede”.
