TORONTO – Reporters have gathered at Toronto’s Yorkville Subway to witness the sandwich company’s latest breakthrough in the field of ladling a bunch of sauce onto some salty meat crammed in a tubular hunk of bread.
“Thank you all for coming to see the Great North Chicken Lover, which oozes more liquid than three of our other wettest sandwiches combined,” said Subway spokesman Sammy James. “From the mealy tomatoes to the cucumbers you didn’t ask for yet found their way aboard anyway, every ingredient has been carefully selected to spill out of your nutrition torpedo and make a big ol’ mess of your car, workplace, domicile, or body.”
Subway also announced the limited time Canuck “N” Cheese Beef Cylinder and Canadian Ham Enthusiast Trough, which are described in marketing materials as “gooey,” “porous,” and “edible.”
“Anyone who can unhinge their jaw and swallow one of the new footlong sandwiches like a suburban python will receive 267% of their daily nutritional needs in under eight seconds,” James said, before demonstrating the feat to the horrified yet fascinated audience. “That way you don’t even have to taste it.”
“And yes, before you ask, our new Wholesome Whole Wheat Barrel is our most sugar-laden bread yet,” he added.
The early reception to Subway’s new sandwiches has been mixed, as those who prefer that their food be good showed disinterest, while more undiscerning gourmets expressed excitement.
“I’m too lazy to walk to the local sub shop two storefronts over, and most of my taste buds are shot from years of mainlining salt and vinegar chips anyway, so these new slabs of wilted lettuce and miscellaneous moisture look good to me,” said a local customer. “Besides, I like my sandwiches nice and gushy.”
At press time, a customer who requested “a dash of mayo” on her sandwich was watching an employee unload a second straight bottle onto it.
