OTTAWA – In the wake of a jobs report showing the national economy lost 66,000 in August alone, Prime Minister is hoping that Canadians will be too preoccupied with filling out online job application forms to notice.
“With Canadian unemployment surging to 7.1%, it’s a good thing that looking for jobs that don’t exist has basically become a full-time job,” explained Carney as the job loss numbers continued ticking up for September.
Canada’s unemployment rate has nearly reached its highest point since 2016, reports Stats Canada, a fact that would be reported even more widely if most Canadians weren’t busy uploading their resumes to an online portal only to be told that they need to re-enter all of the exact same information by hand into the following application page.
“These numbers can partly be blamed on the Trump tariffs, which I campaigned on being uniquely suited to handling,” explained Carney as he approved the Liberal Party’s new run of ‘Elbows Medium I Suppose’ merch. “Fortunately Canadians won’t have time to blame me as they spend upwards of 10 hours a day scouring job posting websites for new postings.”
“14 hours, if someone is applying for the kind of low wage jobs we’ve allowed Canadian Corporations to fill with Temporary Foreign Workers instead of paying a livable wage,” Carney added.
Across the country, unemployed Canadians are responding to their growing inability to find time to be angry at the government’s unemployment numbers.
“I was worried I’d be angry at how 10 years of Liberal governments have driven up joblessness, but luckily after 2 years looking for a job I’ve been feeling pretty numb in all areas of my life,” reports Jesper Crandle, of Burnaby BC.
“I’ve been trying to conserve all my rage for the AI programs that immediately reject my online job application so that a manager position can be handed to the boss’s nephew,” explains Anne Ingris, of Moncton NB.
“Don’t blame me, I voted for Poilievre so he could get those unemployment numbers even higher,” insisted Marckus Briggs, of Saskatoon.
At press time, Carney has planned to distract Canadians from coming unemployment surges with the massive austerity budget he’s planning for the Fall.
