OTTAWA – A planned reception for the architect of Project 2025 – the infamous policy blueprint for the Trump Administration – has been cancelled because Mark Carney wants the planned far-right authoritarian takeover of Canada “to be a fun surprise”.
Prime Minister Carney had planned to host Kevin Roberts, president of The Heritage Foundation and noted diabolical christofascist, as guest of honour at his upcoming Liberal Cabinet meeting. However, once plans for Roberts’ visit were leaked online, the PMO opted to change course.
“When Canadians saw my cabinet requesting advice from an arch-conservative supervillain actively scheming to turn the United States into a real life Gilead, I worried it’d give away our own game” explained Carney, in between identifying massive austerity cuts for his upcoming budget. “We’re also going to slash spending, raise cost of living, and hand the country over to malevolent billionaires, but if you don’t pull off the Shyamalan twist ending then what’s the point?”
Carney lamented that his cabinet will now have to settle for studying the written Project 2025 manifesto, which outlines how a secretly conservative government can seize power under the guise of an unprecedented emergency in order to slash the government and consolidate power among the wealthy elite.
“I’m upset not to get to meet one of my heroes, but at least a few years from now when we spring the trap on Canadians they’ll really appreciate the third act reveal,” Carney noted, approving a plan to raise the cost of housing.
While Carney concedes that the overtly christian nationalist portions of Project 2025 are “probably too flashy for Canada”, he does concede that the parts about hollowing out regulations and allowing tech billionaires to seize regulatory control of the state will be “great for building to an explosive climax”.
“And by ‘explosive’, I definitely mean America invading and turning us into the 51st state,” Carney added, “though by that point I’ll likely have escaped back to a European villa. Regardless, Canadians won’t see it coming.”
This past spring Canadians voted for Carney on a platform of resisting Trump, infrastructure investment, and bolstering domestic industry, though the PM insists that’s what will make his immediate rightward lurch “all the more hilarious.”
“The ending I have in mind is just like that classic joke, The Aristocrats,” Carney insisted. “At first you think the family are nice and wholesome, but in the end a bunch of people end up getting fucked in horrible ways they never saw coming.”
Carney then added “Elbows up!” before making plans to visit Kevin Roberts in person diring his next “trade mission” to Washington D.C.
At press time the Liberal caucus was forced to book yet another speaker for their cabinet meeting upon discovering that Joseph Goebbels has been dead for 80 years.
