PACIFIC OCEAN – According to nautical sources, 36-year-old Damian Clarke regrets not bringing fundamental survival supplies to an abandoned island in favour of packing 3 Doors Down’s smash hit debut album The Better Life.
“Is The Better Life nothing but wall to wall bangers?” Clarke said via morse code signalled by using the CD to catch sunlight. “Yes. Would I have preferred non-perishable food, potable water, and a sleeping bag to get me through the cold nights? Same answer.”
Clarke, who works at sea, has long prepared for the possibility of washing ashore on a tropical island, but admits that in retrospect his supply kit may have overprioritized early 2000s hard rock albums over basic medicine.
“Unfortunately there was only so much space, and the 2007 Better Life Deluxe Edition and 2020 20th Anniversary remaster took up a lot of it,” Clarke said. “I also had a copy of Linkin Park’s Hybrid Theory, but a turtle ate it. Everyone’s a critic.”
The septuple platinum album has, however, comforted Clarke as he struggles with his self-inflicted thirst, hunger, and exposure.
“I thought about starting a fire by burning the liner notes, but they simply offer too much insight into Brad Arnold’s trenchant analysis of alienation, loneliness, and longing,” Clarke said. “And while building a solar-powered stereo out of vines, wood, and fish scales was a lot harder than I thought it would be, ‘Duck and Run’ sounds fucking awesome coming out of dual coconuts at full volume.”
Clarke has also blasted “Kryptonite” whenever he spots a ship on the horizon, an act that has so far only succeeded at driving the ships back out of sight.
“Look, if they don’t want to listen to a seminal chart topper, that’s their loss, not mine,” Clarke said. “Yeah, I want to get rescued, but not by some dorky crew that’s into Nelly Furtado. If you aren’t down with the Doors, well, they wrote a hit song about you. It’s called ‘Loser.’”
At press time, Clarke was attracting small monkeys curious about the bold, heart-wrenching sound of “Be Like That,” then beating them to death with a rock for sustenance.
