Editor: Ok unnamed writer. Trump just ‘Truthed’ that he was going to do a 35% tariff on all products sent into the U.S. from Canada. And I know the last 15 times he did this we scrambled to write an article and then he had already backed down before we could even publish it. But I believe in you. You can do this. Write this article quick and we can finally make a salient satirical point about the damage these tariffs will do before Trump panics in the face of an economic revolt. Let’s do this! Also remind me to take out my comments before I post ok or else everyone will read this and we’ll look like total idiots.
WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump has announced 35% tariffs on all products coming into Canada from the United States, a move that Mark Carney says will be devastating to both economies and likely drive us into a recession. But the PM was quick to remind everyone the tariffs probably would have been worse had he not completely caved on the Digital Sales tax.
Editor: Two sentences in the fucking lede?! We don’t have time for that. The stock market is collapsing bro Trump is probably going to post about a ‘great call’ with Carney any second now let’s go let’s go let’s go!
“The Tariffs announced by President Trump are a vicious attack on Canada’s sovereignty,” said PM Carney. “Most importantly, they were something no one could have predicted would happen when I gave him what he wanted in exchange for absolutely nothing at the start of our negotiations.”
Editor: Ok, solid burn. Now let’s move on we definitely don’t have time for an extra button quote.
“It’s not like there is a well known expression about giving people a small amount of something, like say an inch, and them taking a much, much larger amount, like a mile’s worth.”
Editor: God dammit.
Trump also advised that he expected to impose further tariffs on other trading partners, but at a lower rate than 35%, presumably because they cancelled their Digital Sales Tax even harder than Canada had.
Editor: Dude I swear to god you have like 30 seconds to wrap this up or I’m posting it as is. I don’t care if the article ends in the middle of a sentence.
At press time, Trump had announced that he was cancelling the tariffs on account of
