CALGARY – As Calgarians enjoy another perfect summer day, visitors to a local park have noticed that one of the resident baby bunnies lacks the survival instincts necessary to make it through the impending winter’s brutal cold and predation.
“A lot of the little bunnies I see are already foraging aggressively and ducking into the underbrush whenever people or their dogs get too close,” said one picnicker. “But that adorable dumbass is just sitting there and twitching his nose. I could have fried rabbit for dinner tonight if I wanted.”
“Wow, he has absolutely no idea that the haunting spectre of death is coming for his cute tuchus,” said a man tossing a frisbee to his friend. “Six months from now I’m going to be in Cabo while his lower half is passing through some crow’s digestive tract. Makes you think.”
According to an expert in animal biology, much of the charismatic wildlife that enhances our summer strolls and softball games by reminding us of life’s rich tapestry is essentially helpless fodder for other, less likeable animals.
“He’s definitely the fuzziest bunny in the park, and he might even be the wuzziest, but that just makes him stand out to apex predators,” said zoologist Andrea Kent. “Some raggedy coyote is going to gobble him up and shit out his bones onto an apartment building’s front steps.”
The park’s location, situated as it is between a major road, a feral cat colony, a falconry centre, a pesticide factory, and a lawnmower testing facility, offers additional challenges that the bunny is obviously incapable of meeting.
“Unfortunately, many of nature’s cutest creations are also its stupidest,” Kent explained. “Look, he just tried to eat a rock. Oh, and that squirrel over there is fucked too.”
At press time, the doomed bunny was charming onlookers by sniffing a flower that will also soon be dead.
