WASHINGTON D.C. – US President Donald Trump has offered Canada the “fabulous opportunity” to either pay $61 billion to join his military’s proposed Golden Dome defense shield, or to pay just $30.5 billion as a bribe to Trump directly.
Trump announced this offer on Truth Social, writing, “I told Canada, which very much wants to be part of our fabulous Golden Dome System, that they can either pay our military to join in on this system that will absolutely eventually get built, OR they can take advantage of a LIMITED TIME OFFER to pay just half that price directly to me by buying my hilariously corrupt meme coin.”
“They are considering the offer!” Trump added, before adding a link directly to his family’s crypto exchange next to an emoji of a ticking clock.
The offer to Canada comes mere days after President Trump announced his Golden Dome defense program, patterned after Israel’s “Iron Dome” mobile air defense system, “except better because it’s gold”.
Pentagon sources, moments after drawing the words “Golden Dome?” on an empty whiteboard, elaborated on Trump’s proposed joint partnership. A DoD spokesperson assured Canada that Golden Dome would offer all the benefits of being routinely surveilled from space by a hostile neighbouring power, with the added bonus of Canadians paying for the privilege.
“Alternately,” explained the exhausted spokesperson, “Canada could just wire 30-ish billion dollars directly to Trump, and hopefully he’ll move on so we can get back to work ‘targeting woke’, whatever the hell that means.”
In Ottawa, Prime Minister Mark Carney assured Americans that he was “carefully considering” how best to ignore the President’s offer until he inevitably forgets about the whole project.
“I have run the numbers and it would certainly be much less of a headache to just deliver $30.5 billion in unmarked bills to Mar-A-Lago,” explained Carney, “but I’m also confident that I can just tell Trump he’s ‘a good man at business’, and that’ll buy Canada enough time to integrate our defence plans with Europe.”
Reached for comment, Trump elaborated on his offer: “Canada could pay the Golden Dome money upfront, or they could become our cherished 51st state and pay ZERO DOLLARS – at least until I start shaking them down for mineral deposits or protection money against Russia or just because I think it’d be funny. Trump 2028!”
At press time Canadian spies have commenced a top secret mission to insert dangerously concentrated pure maple syrup into the President’s daily McGriddle breakfast sandwiches, in hopes of hastening the inevitable.
