HOLLYWOOD, CA – After accidentally watching the South Korean film Parasite on Air Force One, Donald Trump has signed an executive order placing a 100% tariff on any movie that forces him to read.
“Stop showing me that goddamn garbage!” bellowed Trump at Susie Wiles, his chief of staff, after throwing a chicken leg at the screen in frustration. “I don’t want to see any more movies with actors too stupid to learn American! If I wanted to read I would look at those boring papers you keep handing me!”
Trump then took to Truth Social. “I am declaring an executive order that puts a 100% tariff on anything made outside of the United States of Trump. My beautiful country will not be polluted by any more filth from shitholes like Korea or Guam or Zambania.”
Reached for comment, Trump officials adjusted to the surprising new global tariff. United States Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick notes, “At first, I thought Mr. Trump was creating this tariff as part of a brilliant move to exert pressure on American media conglomerates and force to generate more favorable coverage. But no, it turns out he just really hates reading.”
The text of Trump’s order places a tariff on any film that contains a language other than English, extending as far as the thick Glaswegian accents of Trainspotting. It also includes movies that have a book that opens on a page of text, tear-stained notes saying goodbye, or non-obscured signage.
Going forward, all Star Wars films must edit out the opening crawl and have the text read out loud by Kid Rock.
The executive order has a provision to use the money collected from the tariff to fund future films about wholesome American themes like explosions, car crashes, Megan Fox bending over, and immigrant children in leg irons being deported.
At press time, Trump was heard loudly complaining that Thanos only managed to kill half of the Avengers.
