HAMILTON, ON – Researchers are sounding alarm bells about the NHL Hockey Challenge on the Tim Hortons app, claiming the in-app fantasy hockey game is a ‘gateway’ that can lead users to drink the highly addictive and destructive beverage known as Tim Hortons coffee.
“Sure, fantasy hockey is fun, and everyone loves free food and drinks,” noted Dr. Morgan Hill of McMaster University. “But when folks use their hard-earned fantasy points on a harmful substance like Tim Hortons coffee, it’s our duty as researchers to speak up and protect lives.”
And while public health officials have issued warnings against Tim Hortons coffee, saying how it gives you ‘the sweats,’ ‘the runs,’ and how it causes drinkers to say things like “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning coffee,” Dr. Hill and her team began their study, wondering if playing the in-app game would lead folks to start “dabbling in Double Doubles.”
“At first, folks who did well in fantasy would redeem their points on low-risk items such as old-fashioned plain Timbits, or bottled water,” Hill adds. “But as folks earned more points, they’d experiment. Try a small dark roast there, then a medium regular. By then, it’s too late. They’re hooked.”
One participant in Hill’s study said how they never thought they’d get sucked into a life of consuming Timmies. “I started out thinking I’d use my points to get the occasional steeped tea… but as I got more and more picks right and started to watch more hockey games, I fell down the rabbit hole, and now I’m yelling at little old ladies at 7 AM, wondering where’s my Extra-Large 4 x 4. All because players like Max Domi and Trent Frederic earned me points in fantasy.”
The study from Dr. Hill is drawing attention from the International Coffee Organization, who has been criticizing Tim Hortons in the past for their use of “quasi-gambling methods” to get people drinking their coffee.
“Of course, with other contests like ‘Rrrroll up the rim to win,’ there’s a chance for customers to win cars or cash prizes’” said James Bean, spokesman for the ICO. “But with this, there’s no car or cash. There’s just pain: pain from drinking their coffee and pain from when your player in fantasy doesn’t score. It’s sickening… what they’re doing and their coffee.”
Harm-reduction groups like MATH (Mothers Against Tim Hortons) have also praised Hill’s study, believing their findings can help those already at risk, such as construction site workers, as well as identify other at-risk groups, such as hockey fans.
“In the past, drug education programs would say something was a gateway without providing any real evidence,” said Martha Moore, founder of MATH. “But Hill’s team has produced hard data that can really help us identify who’s affected by Timmies.”
“Usually, it’s the guy in the too-large pickup truck who’s all jittery,” Moore added.
At press time, Tim Hortons president, Axel Schwan, stated how he had no plans of terminating their fantasy hockey game as “customers are more than welcome to redeem their points on non-coffee related products.”
Schwan added, “we’re committed to harm reduction and we’re looking into ways in which we can turn our restaurants into safe ingestion sites.”
