OTTAWA – Health Canada released a new hearing safety report today, highlighting a new top cause of hearing loss across the nation: advertisements playing on a new generation of gas pumps equipped with high-powered, military grade mega-speakers.
The report said the change comes after a steady increase in gas stations using the modern pumps to promote in-store deals, contests, and customer data-theft efforts disguised as reward programs. Experts warn that, while $8 for 3 energy drinks may be a good deal, the cost of hearing about it may be never hearing a child’s laughter again.
Bob Penner of Brandon, Manitoba agreed the pumps are a problem. “They don’t start playing right away. They wait ‘til you’re eight, nine bucks into filling up, and then BAM, it’s like a grenade going off right next to you. But instead of an explosion sound, you hear a lady telling you to get Twizzlers and a car wash.”
Researchers theorize the problem may stem from the design of the modern pumps. By miniaturizing other components, the new pumps are now up to 98% speaker. Experts estimate that compared to these pumps, a jumbo jet taking off sounds “like a little baby kitten sneezing into a pillow on the moon”.
Health Canada warns that those at highest risk of hearing damage may be gas station employees, who are exposed to the high decibel levels every day. Leo Garcia, who has worked at a Waterloo Esso station for three years, was asked if he felt his hearing had been affected. “Thank you!” Garcia responded. “My wife gave it to me for Christmas!”
The oil and gas industry has also seen a rise in complaints from customers like Martin Brown, who said a recent gas pump promo voiced by Hayley Wickenheiser left him “more thunderstruck than his ten years as a roadie for AC/DC”.
Calls to representatives of Canada’s major gas stations went unanswered because they couldn’t hear their phones ringing.
