CARLETON, ON – Despite losing his own riding by several thousand votes, Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has vowed to stay on as party leader due to having absolutely no employment track record outside of politics.
“To all our supporters across Canada, after tonight’s historic result I think we can all agree on one thing: I need this!” yelled Poilievre to an enthusiastic crowd just after officially losing his own seat to Liberal Bruce Fanjoy.
“I have spent the last 4 years tirelessly campaigning to be the leader of this great country, and Canadians responding with a resounding ‘No thanks!'” Poilievre added, while attempting to set up his new LinkedIn profile. “But if there’s one thing that my fellow Conservatives are known for, it’s giving their party leaders space to relax whenever they show a hint of weakness.”
“That is why I am staying on as Conservative Party Leader,” Poilievre noted, “because there are only so many jobs available for irritable petite men who speak exclusively in rhyming slogans, and I don’t think I can currently get an 0-1 visa to go down and work at Fox News.”
As pundits across the country discussed the incredible comeback of Prime Minister Mark Carney’s Liberals, they mused about what kind of non-government employment Poilievre could possibly be suited to.
“He’s pretty consistently off-putting, so maybe like a mean accountant,” mused CBC At Issue panelist Chantal Hébert. “I mean, as long as your company never needed its numbers to actually add up.”
“Is there such a job as a guy who gets paid to go to parties and talk people’s ears off about cryptocurrency,” asked former Alberta Premier Jason Kenney.
In closing, Poilievre assured his supporters that no matter what happened, he would definitely be starting an insufferable podcast.
At press time US President Donald Trump was relieved that he never took the time to actually learn Pierre Poilievre’s name.
