OTTAWA – Despite Prime Minister Mark Carney announcing that his government would be axing the carbon tax, opposition leader Pierre Poilievre refuses to believe that the dreaded bill is gone for good.
“Every time we think we’ve beaten the tax, it always comes back in some new form,” Poilievre said, peering over dozens of gas station receipts to look for signs the carbon tax has returned. “Unless Carney can bring the horned head of the carbon tax’s original body to the halls of parliament, we will pay for our complacency with the blood of innocent oil refineries!”
“Mark my word, we didn’t kill it this time, we just suspended it. You can’t kill a bill that evil with legislation,” Poilievre intoned ominously.
When asked how he can be so skeptical that the tax is in fact dead, Poilievre chuckled at the press’s ignorance.
“Everything we know about environmentalist lore tells us there are only a few ways to end a bill so green. You either need to either throw enough money at it, burn it in a gas fire, or as the ancient verse states, kill it with an axe made of pure carbon.”
Many in Poilievre’s inner circle have argued that the Conservative leader should be less worried about one dead bill and more about American tariffs or the election that is currently happening. Yet Poilievre refuses to stop his search for the truth.
“If the carbon tax is really gone, how come my car wouldn’t start this morning? Dead battery? I don’t think so! The only thing that’s dead here are my hopes for the election!”
Theories Poilievre has put together about how the carbon tax could return include: disguising itself as free dental care; that there were two carbon taxes all along; or there never actually was a carbon tax, just a split personality in Poilievre’s mind.
At press time, Poilievre woke up in a cold sweat after having the recurring nightmare where the carbon tax reaches out of the recycling bin to grab his hand.
