RANDOM RACE TRACK SOMEWHERE IN CANADA – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has launched a new campaign ad featuring him driving a shiny blue Chevrolet Corvette around a race track, after being informed by his team that he wasn’t polling well enough with middle-aged men who are currently spiralling.
“My chief campaign strategist noticed that I needed to up my popularity with the ‘angry, divorced dad wondering if he’s wasted his life’ demographic,” Poilievre announced after winning his one-man race. “And so he suggested I drive a terrifying, white-knuckle 74 kilometres per hour on camera for a lil’ bit, to make me more relatable to them.”
“And hey, nothing says ‘Canada first for a change’ like driving around a car famously known for being made in Kentucky, am I right, folks?” Poilievre asked the gathered reporters, who had somehow managed to find him despite his best efforts. “Don’t answer that, you jerkwads know you aren’t allowed to ask me any questions!”
Poilievre’s Director of Communications Sarah Fischer stated that approximately five minutes after the ad aired, the Conservative leader’s poll numbers shot through the roof among men considering leaving their families to start a frolf podcast.
“Canadians saw that ad, and boom: women wanted him, and men wanted to be him,” Fischer enthused. “Well, at least men over 35 who equate fancy sports cars with their penises, which according to my calculations is at least 80% of Mr. Poilievre’s male supporters. The other 20% just get mad when their wives ask them to watch their own kids for an hour.”
One nearby woman, who looked suspiciously like Poilievre’s wife Anaida in a blonde wig, asserted that what his car commercial lacked in having anything to do with his political campaign whatsoever, it more than made up for in “making Pierre look fuckable as hell”.
“Wow, what a stud,” said the mystery woman, fanning herself with a campaign leaflet featuring Poilievre photoshopped onto a motorcycle. “I look at him and think, if he wins, he’s gonna give every middle-aged Canadian man a gun so they can defend their secret second families.”
“Also, any man that votes for Pierre– I mean, Mr. Poilievre– any man who votes for him would never have to give up the cottage in the divorce. Vote Pierre!”
At press time, Poilievre was seen putting up posters that read, “Voting for me means sexy college girls will want to date you.”
