TORONTO – According to sources embedded in your fantasy hockey pool, the player who goes by a crude double entendre is on the verge of issuing you such a humiliating defeat that you’ll lose all interest in ever playing again.
“I watch two hockey games a night, watch another half-a-dozen condensed games every morning, obsessively monitor the waiver wire, and record all my data and observations in a labyrinthine spreadsheet so that my lineup constantly performs at maximum efficacy,” Big Stick Daddy told reporters. “But other than that I’m not really doing anything special to prepare for this matchup.”
While BSD is aware that you only joined the pool to help round out the numbers and haven’t been putting much effort into your team, he’s still plotting this week’s game with a monomaniacal focus not seen since Napoleon won at Austerlitz.
“Look, if you want to win 35 of the 50 dollar prize pool and the little plastic trophy that comes with it, you need to put the hours in,” BSD said. “I will neglect my family for as long as it takes to achieve victory.”
Big Stick Daddy has previously played under the monikers of Go Puck Yourself, Nikita Poocherov, and Penis Man, but regardless of which alias he operates under, he will accept nothing less than complete and total triumph.
“Any chump can win by one or two categories, but only an expert like me can craft a generational keeper team equally capable of annihilating you in goals, penalty minutes, blocked shots, and times caught swearing on camera,” BSD said. “Honestly, I think it’s only a matter of time before an NHL front office asks me to join their analytics department.”
At press time, your team was projected to defeat Big Stick Daddy’s after you traded for a guy whose last name sounds funny.
