Crystal City, Virginia – Seeing an opportunity to capitalize on his company’s reputation as a bringer of chaos and death, Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg has announced the signing of an agreement with the US Air Force to build the next generation of fighter planes.
The announcement was made at the White House alongside representatives of the Trump Administration.
“Look, when people hear the name Boeing,” said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, “I think right away they get nervous. They’re intimidated. They don’t know what’s gonna happen. But: they know it’ll be bad. That’s the kind of feeling we want to give to America’s enemies.”
This isn’t the first military contract for the troubled company, but it’s the first one sourced through its civilian aviation division instead of their traditional defense division. Secretary Hegseth was excited by the new direction. “Normally we buy from Boeing’s military division, but it seemed their commercial aviation division has become far more effective at inflicting massive damages, so we went with them.”
Mr Ortberg also touted Boeing’s history when speaking about their new project.
“This is the company that brought America the B-29 Superfortress, the F-15, and the 737MAX, which has 346 confirmed kills. Folks already say that riding in a Boeing is like riding a fighter jet, in the sense that they are loud and uncomfortable. Really all we need to do is stick a gun in the front and we’re halfway there.”
Much of the new fighter program is classified, but the Air Force said that Boeing’s submission for the project was graded highly in the areas of “unpredictability”, “ability to quickly descend from high altitudes” as well as noting that they were “by far, like not even close, wayyy cheaper than anybody else.”
The new planes are expected to be produced within the United States and made available for testing after Mr Ortberg’s stocks fully vet and he retires from the company.
The American armed forces are excited about the new partnership. “Check this out,” said Hegseth after the announcement was made. He then pointed to a passing jet plane overhead and yelled “Hey gang, look! That’s a Boeing up there!” This caused immediate panic, as members of the Trump administration and Boeing representatives scattered and took cover.
“See?” said Hegseth. “That’s called respect. You can’t buy that.”
