EDMONTON – Alberta’s experiment with private healthcare delivery is already paying off, as the system is generating scandals at a rate unheard of by the province’s public-facing healthcare system.
“Scandals are very important to the healthcare experience,” University of Alberta professor Alfie Cave explained. “When Albertans face longer waits because Danielle Smith is throwing healthcare into turmoil, reading about all the messy drama will help pass the time.”
The scandal began when the former head of Alberta Health Services alleged she was fired for investigating sweetheart deals between the province and medical supply companies. The province has also been accused of obscuring inflated bills for private surgeries, a very scandalous development that a mere public provider could never pull off.
“Look, it’s simple free market logic,” said Alberta Health Minister Adriana LaGrange. “Alberta Health Services is a bloated institution full of inefficient career bureaucrats. They do not have the drive or dedication to push conflict-of-interest riddled contracts with their buds that may or may not produce results.”
Danielle Smith also defended her record on healthcare, saying there’s nothing unusual about a premier taking time out of their busy schedule to exchange a bag of diamonds for a box of Band-Aids procured by a Bahamian company called Mysterious Shell Corporation.
“I’ll insult and fire our own healthcare providers as often and as rudely as I need to in order to prove that this province needs a robust private option,” Smith said. “If public healthcare is so great, then why hasn’t it dominated the news for weeks?”
Experts noted that if Smith succeeds at expanding Alberta’s private options, its scandal-generating potential will only continue to grow.
“Healthcare is pretty boring when it’s functional, so other provinces are going to be jealous of our cutting-edge corruption generators,” the U of A professor said. “And if all the health workers we keep firing move to other provinces, that gap could expand even further.”
At press time, a stress-headache suffering Premier Smith was unsuccessfully trying to find a bottle of Tylenol.
