MAR-A-LAGO, FL – U.S. President-Elect Donald Trump has unveiled a key component of his plan to make other member nations of NATO invest more in defense; turning America into a viable international target so they have no choice but to come to its rescue.
“The United States has always had the best enemies. China, North Korea, aliens. So many people want to attack us, and now they’re going to get their chance,” Trump wrote on Truth Social. “Now it’s going to be America’s turn to get our asses saved. Those cheapskate other countries are going to have to step up their defense budgets to protect us from all the crazy shit I’m about to start.”
“The way the other members of NATO are spending, they couldn’t even defeat Bolivia! Which is gonna bite them in the ass when I start a war with Bolivia.”
To show NATO’s leaders that he means business, Trump’s aides have reportedly put together a 3-hour presentation detailing the countries’ weaknesses, which he has threatened to leak to several anti-West parties. The slideshow reportedly contains instructions on how to hack nuclear weapons systems, schematics of every weapon purchased by the Pentagon since the 90s, and which US bases are likely to desert Trump.
Surprisingly, the rest of NATO has been apathetic in response to Trump’s plan to have the US play the damsel in distress. NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte states that the alliance has been prepared to eject the US for years now and let them dig their own grave.
“President Trump has talked about pulling out of the alliance so much that we’ve long since reached the ‘just go’ phase of our relationship,” explains Rutte. “We’ve already laid out the groundwork for the inevitable NATO successor, called NA-TWO. It will function exactly the same as NATO currently does, but with fewer greasy handshakes.”
“Honestly, the most anyone here cares about Trump letting the US get attacked is that some of us had big money riding on a civil war in our America Death Pool.”
At press time, when questioned why he doesn’t just put more tariffs on things if he wants out of the alliance so badly, Trump said it’s his and Putin’s anniversary soon and he wanted to do something special.
