EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 2019 Ford Fiesta.
“It amazes me that some people will speed right through school zones, like the world will end if they get to work a few minutes late,” Carnaby told reporters as he winged a jaywalking fourth grader. “My kids go here, for God’s sake. Play it safe.”
“If you simply obey the speed limit, you can plow right through the little tykes and be on your way with plenty of time to spare,” Carnaby added, as he crushed a sporty Fjallraven backpack dropped by a fleeing child. “I do try to avoid the chunkier kids, because they can really ding up my hood, but it’s often safest to whack ‘em rather than stop and disrupt the flow of traffic. They’re tough, they can take it.”
Carnaby then dutifully signalled for a right turn as he swung through an intersection and clipped a crossing guard with his side mirror.
“If everyone drove like Mr. Carnaby, this city would be a lot safer,” said a local police officer. “School zones exist for a reason: if you smack a kid with your car at that speed, they’ll basically be fine. Look, that kid was on the pavement a second ago and now he’s barely even limping.”
While parents and school staff have praised Carnaby for pausing and letting the frailer children regain their footing after being whacked, the 43-year-old insists there’s nothing noteworthy about his approach to driving.
“Like any good motorist, I just try to do the right thing without really inconveniencing myself in any way whatsoever,” Carnaby said. “I mean, I could be driving a Ford F-150, but I’m not an asshole.”
At press time, Carnaby had slowed to a glacial 20 km/h as he drove through a construction site and toppled a row of porta-potties.
