OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced he will step down from the Liberal Party leadership – as soon as a newer, worthier Trudeau comes forward to take his place.
Trudeau, who has held the party leadership since 2013, made the announcement as increased calls for his resignation came from both within his own party and Pierre Poilievre’s numerous alt accounts on Twitter.
“It has been my honour to serve the Liberal Party these past eleven years. Now it will be my honour to serve the time-honoured tradition of a Prime Minister Trudeau passing the baton to another, worthier Trudeau,” said Trudeau, alternately sipping from each a World’s Best Dad and World’s Best Son mug.
Plans for finding this next Trudeau reportedly include asking the Prime Minister’s eldest son, who comes of age next year, or waiting until the one named after a controversial Roman emperor comes of age. When asked if it was possible for his daughter to someday become Prime Minister, Trudeau changed the subject faster than someone on Twitter could say, “bUt KiM CaMpBeLl.”
“Sadly, we’re just not as progressive as the British royal family when it comes to including women in the line of succession,” says an anonymous Liberal MP rooting for Trudeau to resign. “But honestly, it doesn’t even need to be a worthier Trudeau. At this point, we’d accept a half-decent Paul Martin.”
Insiders report that Trudeau is also considering holding a “joust-en” tournament of all Canadian Trudeaus, or alternately feeding both his and his father’s policies into ChatGPT.
“I guess I could also try what Daddy – I mean, Prime Minister Trudeau Prime – did, and take a little sabbatical between terms,” mused Trudeau, running his hands through his hair as “Perfect” by Simple Plan played on repeat in the background.
Should his plan fail, other methods of selection Trudeau is reportedly considering include passing the role to another random Justin, holding a “coolest socks” contest, or relying on strange women lying in the Great Lakes distributing swords.
At press time, Pierre Poilievre was filing paperwork to legally change his last name to Trudeau.
