OTTAWA – With polls projecting the Liberals to win as few as 53 seats in the next federal election, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has pledged to shake up his party’s campaign strategy following roughly a half dozen more losses.
“I’m pretty confident that Canadians like what I’m doing, even if they say or vote like they don’t,” claimed a smiling Trudeau as aides repeatedly underlined ‘MINORITY STATUS!!!’ on a nearby whiteboard.
“I say we’re sticking with what’s working.”
The PM has signaled his intention to hold firm on policy for at least 5 more elections, “or 12 years, whichever comes first.” This, despite Pierre Poilievre’s Conservatives running on a message largely critical of the Liberals and polling within what experts are describing as “Turbo Majority territory”.
Despite warning signs, Trudeau insists his Liberals will “stay the course” through several predictable future losses, highlighting policies including:
- ever-climbing housing prices
- maybe taking a look at immigration but probably not
- electoral reform at some undetermined future date
- seeing if Sen. Patrick Brazeau wants to do another boxing match
- a monthly segment on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert titled “This Just-in!”
Speaking to a Zoom call of ashen-faced Liberal staffers, Trudeau explained the logic behind his multi-election-losing stratagem. “See, the first losing election, that’s just a fluke,” the party leader explained enthusiastically. “The second losing election with the same unpopular policies is the toughest, but you just gotta power through. After that, you go kinda numb, and then losing the next three to five elections is a cakewalk – just look at the NDP.”
“After 9 or so years of that, Canadians will have gotten tired of Poilievre, and they’ll be willing to vote Liberal again, and we probably won’t even have to change any of our policies! Win-win!” Trudeau enthused, adding, “And obviously I’ll still be party leader by that time.”
At press time, Trudeau’s three school-aged children were drawing straws to see who would be forced to assume leadership of the Liberal Party a decade from now.
