AIRDRIE – Airdrie’s annual Harvest Festival is clearly just the town’s annual Summer Carnival with some scarecrows and hay bales thrown in, according to underwhelmed sources.
“Look, they crossed out most of ‘Yeehaw!’ on the cowboy poster and replaced it with ‘Yeargh!’” said one visitor. “I guess he’s scared of the cotton candy that’s been dyed black and renamed ‘Death Floss.’”
“Well, the haunted bags-of-lawn-clippings ride sucked ass,” said a disappointed attendee. “And don’t even get me started on how lame it is to bob for dried blueberries. At least the pumpkin spice lemonade and buttered ice tea looks tasty.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, local officials admitted that they recycled the majority of last season’s festival upon realising that all small town festivals are basically identical, and that people just go to them because they think it will make their life more like Gilmore Girls before they realise they’re actually kind of boring.
“People always show up as long as you offer horse rides and someone selling ‘artisan jam’ for three times what you’d pay in a grocery store, so we didn’t see the need to go out and buy a hundred pumpkins that are just going to rot in a week or two,” one official said. “Besides, if you ask me, banana carving offers a more intriguing artistic challenge.”
While some visitors aren’t thrilled by the Harvest Festival’s seasonally inappropriate activities like its spook ‘n slide and boo-each volleyball court, others have taken the changes in stride.
“I feel a little bad about plunging a woman into the dunk tank after seeing how much she was shivering afterwards, but I won a bunch of candy for hitting the target,” said one tourist. “And the ‘Monster Mash’ actually doesn’t sound that bad on a ukulele once you’ve heard it for the fourth or fifth time.”
At press time, town officials had announced that this year’s Winter Celebration would feature a festive golf tournament, free cups of peachnog, and plenty of sandcastle building.
