MONTREAL – In an effort to secure stronger wages, Air Canada pilots are vowing to make Canadians continue to fly Air Canada unless they are granted significant raises.
“With no breakthroughs emerging after a year of negotiations, we have no choice but to not strike until we receive the pay we deserve,” said a union representative. “Only after our salaries are concurrent with industry standards will we cease subjecting Canadians to our employer’s abhorrent service.”
Because the fate of the negotiations remain unclear, frustrated travellers have been forced to plan for every possible contingency.
“If a deal isn’t reached soon, I’ll have to fly on that shitty old airline to visit my shitty old relatives in shitty old Winnipeg,” said one potential passenger. “I hope the pilots get what they deserve so they can spare me that nightmare.”
Air Canada, meanwhile, insists that its pilots are already paid a fair rate for the grim work they perform.
“Every year, countless Canadians pay us to be treated like cattle, if cattle had less agency,” the company said in a statement. “Our pilots are given what is essentially blood money for their complicity in our abuses, and asking for more to help calm the haunted dreams of what they’ve inflicted on civilians is unconscionable.”
The federal government is strongly encouraging the two sides to reach a deal, with the Office of the Prime Minister noting that Canadians are already struggling enough without having to worry about the hell that is an upcoming Air Canada flight on their calendar.
“At the end of the day, no one really likes flying, and absolutely no one likes flying Air Canada,” a PMO representative said. “If both sides cannot reach a deal soon, the government will consider enforcing arbitration so that no one ever has to suffer through one of its flights again.”
At press time, Air Canada responded to the pressure it’s facing by threatening to double the number of flights it delays for no apparent reason until the pilots capitulate.
