WASHINGTON D.C. – In the wake of Joe Biden’s debate performance and Donald Trump surviving an assassination attempt, a report from the University of Toronto political sciences department recommends you start getting ready for 4 years of insanity now.
“Breathing exercises, stretching, developing a mantra that will drown out the sounds of fascism on the march, whatever works for you.” said author Norma Cohen. “The point is to begin now so you’re ready for January 2025.”
“The early bird gets the worm as they say! Only in this case the worm is the possibility of staying sane while a re-elected Trump orders all red-heads deported or demands Canada’s PM refer to him as Daddy during bilateral meetings.”
Trump not only survived the assassination attempt but raised his fist in the air defiantly, resulting in a photo that is equal parts badass and harbinger of humanity’s doom. And that’s why it’s very important that you start learning how to cook healthy meals for yourself and join a running club for fitness and fun.
“Making your own pottery is good, I’ve heard pickleball is fun. It doesn’t matter! As long as it stops you from spending 4 years glued to your phone in abject horror at the latest news like you did from 2017-2021.”
At press time, do not look at that breaking news alert CNN just sent you! Don’t do it!
