WASHINGTON, DC ―As part of their ongoing mission to fool ridiculously gullible centrists into thinking that their rulings are rooted in respectable legal theory and not right-wing dogma, the Supreme Court recently issued its token semi-reasonable ruling.
“This seems more than fair,” said MAGA-hat-wearing, Trump-worshipping, Clarence-Thomas-funding, self-proclaimed centrist Joe Kilbride. “Three of the judges voted against it, so it’s not like both sides didn’t get a fair chance. Surely we can arrive at a compromise on whether Black people are people?”
“This decision does not move us closer to a dictatorship,” announced a triumphant Ketanji Brown Jackson. “It doesn’t move us away either, but I, for one, just want to savour being part of an actual majority rather than just the moral one. I suggest everyone else do the same right now, because this won’t last.”
The trend the Court has been taking has been described by many of America’s moderates as “very reasonable and sane.” Asked about the overturning of Roe v. Wade, they explained that men cannot get abortions, so it’s only fair that women shouldn’t be able to either, and therefore the court is the epitome of equality.
Generally, only one such ruling per session is required to imply that the right-wing activists who dominate the Court have some shred of humanity. For the next session or so, however, they may require extra non-evil judgements to counteract the reputational damage Clarence Thomas has been doing.
Some big-name Republicans are advocating against this method of brainwashing, suggesting that rather than allowing all Americans to have basic rights and dignity, it would be preferable to just buy each centrist a mansion.
Others contend that the court should do away with the notion of neutrality altogether, and take a clear stance on the most pressing issues of our day, like whether trans female kindergartners should be allowed to play freeze tag despite having potentially more aerodynamic genitals.
In related news, political scientists have determined that the new minimum standard for being viewed as a functioning democracy is not being Afghanistan.
