TORONTO – The Maple Leafs have fired head coach Sheldon Keefe after another first round exit, beginning a search for a new shmuck to blame the franchise’s larger problems on.
“While we appreciate Sheldon’s efforts, he only brought us one playoff series victory in five years, which was somehow our best result since two-thousand-and-goddamn-four,” said Leafs President Brendan Shanahan. “We need someone with fresh ideas on how to paper over the cracks enough to make us believe in our poorly constructed roster, and then blame when that same roster fails to deliver.”
Leafs fans who hadn’t already drunk themselves into their daily stupor had semi-coherent thoughts on the news.
“It’s about time we got rid of that bum,” said one fan clutching a mickey of Canadian Club. “When John Tavares completely disappears in the playoffs, we need a coach who will say, ‘Hey, man, don’t do that. Play hockey better.’”
“There are all sorts of great coaches available, and surely one will want to come here and have their every move slammed by an insane fanbase and ruthless media whenever we lose some random game in November,” said a loud, red-faced fan. “Now why the fuck hasn’t that stupid hack Gerard Gallant won us a Cup yet?”
Another fan sitting outside Scotiabank Arena refused to comment beyond repeatedly muttering, “At least we forced game seven instead of folding in five… Other fanbases must respect us for that…” while rocking back and forth.
When asked if the organisation had any candidates in mind yet, Shanahan told reporters that every option was being considered.
“I just hope the Senators don’t beat us to hiring… wait, they chose Travis Green? Oh, those stupid fucks always know how to make me feel better.”
