BRAMPTON, ON — In the wake of Canadians calling for a month-long boycott of all Loblaws stores, combined with the threat of an alleged impending “Steal From Loblaws Day,” fed up Loblaws CEO Per Bank recently issued a statement to all of his employees ordering them to hunt down, catch, and kill anyone who participates in the boycott this month.
From the golden throne he’d bought for his mansion after making 22 million dollars last year, the CEO wrote, “Enough is enough, or, in my native Danish language, ‘nok er nok.’” Bank added, “Well, I’ve got another saying for all Canadians considering boycotting my stores: ‘Sleep with one eye open, fuckers.’ I trust you don’t need a translation for that.”
Bank began sharpening a new batch of spears he was distributing to all Loblaws self-checkout employees for the purpose of stopping thieving shoppers. “I have told all my workers that they owe me at least ten heads by the end of the month.”
The CEO added malevolently, “If our workers don’t meet that quota, they will be forced to participate in some sort of grocery store employee gauntlet. I haven’t decided between floor buffer jousts, eating expired shellfish, or rigging their cash registers to explode, but I assure you, death will be inevitable.”
One Loblaws employee who wished to remain nameless for fear of retribution stated that Galen Weston Jr. had personally issued her a company branded compound bow and told her to “Go forth and purge Canada of those who wish to deny themselves the glory of shopping at my numerous companies.”
“One of my coworkers tried to quit because he didn’t want to spear anyone,” the employee whispered, “and Per Bank just showed up out of NOWHERE, threw a Loblaws-branded reusable bag over his head, and dragged him away. I haven’t seen him since. We’re all so frightened.”
Despite countrywide protestations, Bank remained gleefully firm in his resolution to straight-up murder anyone who interfered with his massive profits.
“We may be unfairly blamed for high grocery prices,” he said with a terrifying gleam in his eye, “but those who boycott us will have only themselves to blame in the end.”
“Also, we’re totally to blame for high grocery prices,” the CEO clarified, before cackling for five minutes straight.
At press time, Galen Weston had already personally hunted down and throttled fifteen people who had posted about the boycott on social media.
