OTTAWA – The new Liberal budget was officially released yesterday, with the government unveiling a number of plans involving new programs and spending, including $10 bajillion dollars for whatever thing you happen to be into right now.
“Today we are unveiling our most ambitious budget yet,” said Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland. “In it, we are proud to set out a bajillion rillion quillion dollars in spending, which we will use for whatever thing we think you think is important.”
The budget laid out a number of promises to fix more or less everything, with extra funds earmarked for other random things too.
“We’re just throwing the kitchen sink at it at this point,” said Freeland, referring to the party’s efforts to fix Canada and/or get re-elected, and not necessarily in that order. “It’s our last kick at the can, fuck it.”
“Housing? We’ve got ten bajillion we’re spending on that. Education? 6 bajillion. Healthcare? 12 bajillion. What else, name something. AI? That’s in vogue right now, right?,” asked Freeland, openly riffing with reporters, improv style.
“AI. Youth mental health. Lunch programs. Environmentally friendly mortgages. If you can name it, we’ve got a couple bajillion for it.”
“It’s literally not even real money at this point,” added Canada’s Minister of Finance.
When asked how the government plans to pay for all the programs, the government pointed to a niche program to marginally raise capital gains taxes on a small portion of Canada’s wealthy, who will inevitably find a loophole out of paying.
In addition, the government announced plans to sell off old government buildings, sell old desks on kijiji, and cancel all funding related to researching any type of electoral reform.
