WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States House of Representatives has advanced a bill that could ban TikTok in America if Chinese parent company ByteDance refuses to sell its ownership stake, a move which threatens the livelihood of the planet’s most annoying people.
“I make a living telling 16-year-olds that Justin Trudeau is a communist plant sent to sabotage our economy, and now that living is threatened,” said a 47-year-old man whose TikTok username is Fooldeau69. “If TikTok is banned, I’ll have to go back to annoying my friends and family.”
“What am I supposed to do if I can’t shove a camera in my son’s face while he eats chicken nuggets?” asked a prominent TikTok parenting influencer. “Talk to him? That doesn’t make me any money.”
If enacted, the TikTok ban would be a massive upheaval to the social media landscape. Movie critics who scream and shit themselves whenever a minority character appears in a superhero movie, momfluencers who warn viewers that 1,000 women are kidnapped from Safeway parking lots every hour, and self-proclaimed historians who misinterpret remedial Wikipedia articles are just some of the many people who will have to go out and contribute to society.
TikTok users have also spoken out against forcing wastrels back to work.
“Sometimes I want to see videos of cute animals, and if I need to absorb hours of unhinged political propaganda and baseless conspiracy theories then that’s the price I’ll pay,” said one user. “How else do you expect me to find animals on the internet?”
Meanwhile, analysts have warned that banning the plagiarism-and-lie-fuelled brain-melting machine that sometimes has funny dances could prove divisive.
“A TikTok ban could establish a double standard that tacitly permits American tech titans to sell and manipulate our data, to say nothing of the political ramifications of enacting such a contentious move in an election year,” said a Georgetown political scientist. “On the other hand, fuck TikTok. You ever use that shit? You can feel your brain cells committing seppuku.”
At press time, experts suggested that people worried about the potential demise of TikTok should try reading websites instead, even if they have to sound out some of the bigger words.
