OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre officially introduced a non-confidence motion against Justin Trudeau’s Liberals today, hoping to topple the ruling party in a snap election because, in the opposition leader’s own words, he “Just can’t keep up his current level of rage farming until 2025.”
“Justin Trudeau has got to go, and he’s got to go before I run out of juice in the lead up to the next official election,” proclaimed Poilievre in an interview shortly after the motion was announced. “Maintaining the sheer amount of outrage baiting and misinformation that I’m spreading around the country right now is too much for one man to handle.”
“I really thought that after coming up with ‘Justinflation’ and ‘Make Canada Free Again’ I could sit back and relax, but my supporters just want more, more, more,” Poilievre added, desperately chucking “Axe the Tax” merch into a crowd of reporters. “I need an election right now, or I’m going to have to hire some 4Chan dweebs to do my comms for the next nineteen months.”
One anonymous Poilievre staffer confided that the Conservative Leader had been spending sleepless nights in his office making fake videos portraying Trudeau as Hitler, Stalin, and Xi Jinping, and in one baffling case, Smurfs villain Gargamel. He has also reportedly been photoshopping posters stating that the Liberal party wants to steal Canadians’ cars and replace them with “Woke Bicycles.”
“Last night I saw him chugging an energy drink at 3:00AM, and he keeps saying he’s started crossfit to ‘keep the angries up’,” added the staffer, reluctantly posting a Tweet claiming Trudeau was going to burn down every registered Conservative’s house. “I don’t know how much longer he can do this. If he doesn’t become Prime Minister soon, I think he might collapse in on himself, like a bespectacled dying star.”
At press time, Poilievre was spotted trying to convince Jagmeet Singh to switch sides by telling the NDP leader that Justin had personally started the BC wildfires.
