CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick.
“They’re discriminating against me for being a man,” says complainant Peter Johnson, high-fiving several cops as he walked down the street carrying an open beer and cat-calling multiple women. “As we all know, the most discriminated against people on the planet are cishet white men. Google it, but only look at the results from 4chan.”
The job in question is at Johnson’s local Applebee’s, where the red-blooded, blue-collar, white-as-mayonnaise Johnson has worked for three years as a server and eaten at for six years as a creepy guy with no friends. With so much experience under his belt, Johnson felt it was time for him to be promoted to head chef.
“My application was so strong,” says Johnson, whose application included racist jokes, a sexist cover letter, and an eighty-eight-slide PowerPoint on the “dangers of diversity” that he later uploaded to his favourite website, Reddit.
Applebees turned down Johnson’s application because, according to their official statement, the job was “literally not even open” and “we serve the same food at every restaurant.” But Johnson insists that the restaurant will not promote him because of their “woke agenda”, which is also what he calls the breakfast menu.
Johnson is now suing the restaurant’s parent company for 69 billion dollars CAD (about $13 USD), as well as demanding that he immediately be made Grand Poobah of Food, Operations, and Being Good at Sex.
“Diversity initiatives are killing the restaurant industry,” says Johnson’s lawyer Willy Balzac, gesturing at an Applebees staff photo as white and bland as the restaurant’s menu. “They may champion so-called ‘marginalized voices’ now, but believe you me, they will rue the day they failed to raise up this particular dick.”
When it was pointed out to them that people of any gender can have dicks, both Johnson’s and Balzac’s heads exploded all over their podcast mics.
