GAZA – In the wake of an intractable decades-long conflict that has left thousands of civilians dead in both Israel and the Gaza Strip, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netenyahu and the leadership of Hamas exchanged Valentines to thank each other for military efforts that ensured long-term job security for both parties.
“Dear besties,” began PM Netanyahu’s handwritten, heart-shaped note. “Things were looking pretty dicey for me last Fall, what with my looming felony corruption charges that surely would’ve seen me going to prison for the rest of his life. Heck, I had to form a coalition with the most extreme far-right lunatics in our Parliament just to stay out of jail (PS. Itamar Ben Gvir says ‘you’re welcome for the rockets!’)”
Netanyahu’s extensive note continued on the back of the card. “Things looked bleak… but then, on October 7th I got a wonderful surprise terrorism present from you guys, and suddenly I’m a wartime leader who’s not going anywhere! Happy Valentines – Benji!”
Conversely, Hamas leader Yehya Sinwar crafted a similar love letter to Netanyahu, from a tunnel deep below the bombed-out city.
“Dearest Bibi,” wrote Sinwar, “For years people in the Gaza Strip have lost faith in us, just because we haven’t had a real election in nearly 20 years and they view us as unfathomably corrupt. But when we launched those rockets into Southern Israel, we knew we could count on you to react in a wholly disproportionate way that gained us not only the support of our people, but somehow also of the international community. Happy St. Valentine’s Day!”
Additional valentines between Hamas and Netanyahu noted all the things they have in common, like long walks on the beach, an utter disregard for the safety of their own citizens, and a consistent desire to delegitimize the more moderate Palestinian Authority in order to prevent peace talks from ever bearing fruit.
“The only two state solution I want to see is our hearts together,” stated Netanyahu’s Valentine.
Sinwar responded, “All I need is your love, and also the suitcases full of millions of dollars you sent to Gaza and let Hamas steal year after year.”
In addition to exchanging Valentines, the two Middle Eastern leaders sent additional love notes to other world leaders including US President Joe Biden and Canadian PM Justin Trudeau. The notes thanked the foreign heads of state for their unwavering commitments to continue arming Israel without preconditions, thus keeping both sides safely employed for the foreseeable future. “I’m just happy to get mail!” replied Trudeau.
At press time, Netanyahu and Hamas were also planning gifts to exchange for this year’s Secret Santa, as well as Secret Santa Exchanges for the next 10 years.
