OTTAWA – Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre has already announced an exclusive deal that would see his government’s newly-proposed Porn IDs sold exclusively at Loblaws grocery stores.
“If there’s two things that I know all Canadians like, it’s having strangers monitor their pornography habits, and nationwide grocery monopolies,” explained Opposition Leader Poilievre.
“Under our Conservatives’ Porn ID plan,” Poilievre outlined, “Canadians can go down to their local Loblaws and pay $60 for a basic President’s Choice birthday cake, and then take their new porn ID home to watch an adult film star as she sits on that exact same cake!”
Asked if that was a reference to his own porn proclivities, Poilievre assured journalists that he only pleasures himself to Youtube videos about bitcoin.
Loblaw Companies Ltd President Galen Weston Jr. was quick to echo Poilievre’s enthusiasm for the public-private-privates initiative.
“Here at Loblaws we’ve really cornered the market on ‘things Canadians need to eat to survive’,” explained Weston. “So it only made sense for us to expand our omnipresent market capture into Canadians’ most personal sexual impulses.”
As an example of corporate synergy, Weston explained that the kiosk for obtaining a Loblaws branded Porn ID will be located conveniently next to the Kleenex and non-scented hand lotions. He also unveiled a new line of Presidents Choice fleshlights, which will be located in the “dishwasher safe” aisle.
Weston also assured Canadians that the new government issued Porn Ids will be tied to their PC Optimum card, “so our valued Loblaws customers will earn PC Optimum points every time they crank one out to ‘Wet Nympho Coeds In Locker Room Gangbang’.”
At press time both Loblaws and the Canadian Conservative Party have announced they will adopt the same slogan, “What are you going to do to stop us?”
