OTTAWA – Following the ruling that the Liberal government’s 2022 use of the Emergencies Act was unreasonable, a Federal judge has ordered that all convoy protestors be welcomed back to Ottawa and allowed to stay for as long as they possibly want.
“Everything gets reset back to exactly the way it was on February 17th 2022,” explained Justice Richard Mosley in his decision. “That means all the diesel exhaust, all the horn honking, and especially all of the incomprehensible list of demands for Trudeau to step down as Prime Minister.”
In addition to restoring the convoy protesters’ hopelessly dug-in position among the downtown Ottawa core, Mosley emphasized that all other conditions must be replicated as well. The Judge ordered the Ottawa Police to stand down and welcome any truckers with open arms, the Ontario Provincial Police to promptly forget how to find Ottawa, and for Premier Doug Ford to immediately disappear on a snowmobiling trip.
As well, Justice Mosley ruled that any and all foreign actors be forthwith welcomed to resume financing the convoy protest, “with a few bucks extra thrown in for their trouble”.
Meanwhile, Ottawa residents have been legally barred from complaining about the protestors, “regardless of what monument they happen to be urinating on.” Residents must also provide court-ordered welcome pies to anybody driving an 18-wheeler.”
In downtown Ottawa as the bouncy castle was re-inflated and tanks of propane unsafely stored, several convoy protestors expressed excitement at the Judge’s ruling in their favour.
“Now we’re FINALLY gonna get those vaccine mandates repealed!” shouted James Abbotts of Red Deer.
“In the years since our convoy I actually learned that vaccine mandates were handled at a provincial level, and it would’ve made more sense to focus our efforts on lobbying our local MPPs, but who cares, FUCK TRUDEAU!! WOO!!” yelled Steve Mercks of Regina.
”Oh, do I have to go back? I’d kinda like to leave that in the past,” replied Kevin Whittes, a convoy member who finally got his first girlfriend.
“HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!” added Roger Gruffeld of Calgary, “HOOOOOOOOONK!!!”
In addition to returning to Ottawa, Justice Mosley ruled that any convoy protestors be allowed to shut down any border crossings with a cache of weapons of their choosing. He added, “And if your own children that you used as human shields to deter the police have grown into teenagers, the government will provide new children to you at their own expense.”
At press time, the returning convoy protestors have been forced to fight for space in downtown Ottawa with the numerous homeless encampments that have sprung up in the meantime.
