20 years ago, Ontario became the first Canadian province to legalize same-sex marriage, paving the way for the other provinces, and eventually the whole country, to allow gay couples who are as boring and lame as straight ones to get married. Here are five couples who fought for their rights back in 2003, and since then, the excitement in their relationship has taken an immense nosedive!
1. Jill & Amy – Sarnia
These two lesbos met at work. Not even exciting work like trapeze or alligator wrangling. They just happened to be the two lesbians at the office and thought that meant they were soulmates. Now they come home and watch TikToks on their phones separately while Lessons in Chemistry plays in the background before going to bed at 8:30. They don’t even have a cat. What would we even talk about? They fought for this privilege and damn it, they deserve it!
2. Robert & Craig – Whitby
This gay couple used to dance high on ecstacy at Crews & Tangos until way past closing and now their favourite party game is Cards Against Humanity. They adopted a child and take fall photos together. They already put up their Christmas tree. Good for them, I don’t want to ever have to spend any time with them.
3. Deb & Mike – Orillia
These two got married as a gay couple but one of them transitioned so they’re actually… a straight couple. I mean, sure, they’re still a queer couple but Mike has a pickup truck and hangs out with “the boys” and Deb collects wooden signs that say things like “my other car is a wine bottle” or whatever. They went through quite the hardships and deserve to make jokes now about how marriage is like a prison sentence!
4. Chrissy & Mel – Toronto
These two should probably be divorced by now but rent prices are too damn high in Toronto that they can’t afford to move out of their rent-controlled one bedroom. Mel thought about having an affair last year but felt it was too much effort. Actually, wait, this one’s getting a little interesting now, one of them hasn’t washed their empty bowl of cereal in 3 days and the other is going for the sticky notes.
5. Bill & Christopher – Ajax
They got married while skydiving and 60 Minutes did a special on them for their huge charity events raising money for HIV research. But these days, people with HIV can live pretty normal and healthy lives. So now they go see every Marvel movie. I love them and hate them. Thanks, Bill and Christopher!
Happy 20 years of legalized same-sex marriage in Ontario (and British Columbia)!
