OTTAWA – As coordinated protests against LGTBQ2S+ rights in schools take place across Canada, dubbed the “Million March For Children”, these marches are being dwarfed by a larger counter-protest movement dubbed the “Billion March For Not Being Bigots”.
The “Million March For Children” is advocating the elimination of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity (SOGI) curriculums in protests across Canada, and advocating the elimination of gay people as a thing entirely in their private Facebook groups. Still, their leaders reported surprise at today’s turnout.
“We really thought we would have the larger numbers, especially after we changed our groups’ original name, ‘The Million March For Why Won’t Queer People All Go Away’ ,” explained anti-gay organizer Robert Frederickson. “But as soon as we started marching, we ran into a much bigger group of better-dressed people who didn’t support us at all! How is that allowed?!”
“Not only did this much larger counter-protest disagree that nobody in schools should ever be able to say the word ‘gay’,” Frederickson continued, “but they kept advocating something called ‘not being a raging asshole’, which I assume is a violation of my First Amendment rights as a Canadian!”
Reports indicate that branches of the so-called “Million March For Children” generally numbered in the dozens to the low hundreds, and in one case simply included “Uncle Frank from Moose Jaw”. Alternately, the counter-protestors numbers were regularly much larger, as they spread their radical message of “cool it with the shitty behaviour please”.
One Ottawa organizer of the newly-dubbed “Billion March For Not Being Bigots” reflected on their protest:
“I mean, I’m sure we can’t be exactly ‘a billion’ people strong, but we kinda stopped even trying to count heads around 11am this morning,” noted local baker Ashlynn Marks, of Stittsville.
“Actually, we have so many people here proudly standing up for the right of gay, queer, and trans Canadians to exist in society, that it’s entirely possible that our march just enveloped the original march, Katamari-style.”
As the day wore on, the “Billion March For Not Being Bigots” side of the protest drew statements of support from the PM, various premiers, other public figures, and millions online. Meanwhile the anti-LGTBQ2S+ protests were publicly supported by Maxime Bernier, Rebel Media, and Uncle Frank from Moose Jaw.
In a related story, across Canada the “Million March For Children” protests have reportedly left hundreds of peewee hockey games un-screamed-at.
