HEAVEN – Hesitant and embarrassed, God, the almighty Lord, creator of Earth and the heavens, approached recently deceased sex educator Sue Johanson with a question.
“Hey, I’m, ah…I was wondering…” stuttered the embarrassed diety, as the crowds of heaven looked on. “You see, well, my partner and I like to do this thing, and, well.. is it normal?”
“Look, I’m going to stop you there,” Johanson interjected. “Maybe it’s just easier if you put it on a slip and I’ll read it and give you the answer. Good?”
After allowing other members of the afterlife to write down their questions as well, Johanson perused the submitted questions remarking: “I can’t read latin, sorry” to one, “Seriously, grow up” to another, and then finally reading one over for a moment, causing the omnipotent almighty master of the universe to shuffle nervously.
“OK, so this happens sometimes,” continued the educator after a long pause.
“Consider using a pillow. Definitely use lube. Liberally. However much you like,” she continued, as the self-conscious deity visibly began to relax.
Relief for the world’s three biggest religions’ focus of worship was short-lived as Johanson pulled out a vibrator, prompting nervous laughter from the entirety of the spiritual realm.
“Oh well if that bothers you than how do you expect handle this?” Johanson continued, producing what one angel described as a “6 membered super dong” sex toy to shock and laughter from the audience.
“This is made from hypoallergenic silicon and has three settings. If used properly it can meet ALL of your needs.”
“You laugh, but guess what?” she admonished, reducing the celestial plain to silence. “She’ll love it, and if you rub it on yourself the right way, you’ll love it too!”
At press time, God was relieved he no longer had to rely on Pornhub.
