HAMILTON – The McMaster University Children’s Hospital, along with several other facilities in Southwestern Ontario, announced today that they’re lifting their mask mandates, noting because of this that people should stop going to the hospital if they feel sick.
“Everyone can make their own decisions,” said Dr Norman Chang, Pediatric Oncologist, while licking a catheter clean and putting it back in the drawer where he found it. “But if you feel like you have a fever, or a tummy bug, or you were in a traumatic car accident and need emergency medical intervention, we’d just prefer you stayed home and took care of that yourself. Out of respect.”
“I don’t think it’s really that big a deal,” said administrator Helen Howe, wringing a dirty mop into a bucket and then using the bucket to refill the hospital’s water cooler. “Any other workplace, if you’re sick you don’t come in. Why should patients be different just because some of us went to school to learn how to cure them?”
Miss Howe wasn’t the only representative of the hospital to feel the request was reasonable.
“It’s just basic respect,” said surgeon Dr Eleanor Watts, digging around in the abdomen of an unconscious six-year-old for the ketchup packet that came with her order of french fries. “I wouldn’t show up to your newsroom with a cold, people shouldn’t show up at this place of business with life-and-death medical needs?”
At present, other hospitals in Ontario were considering lifting their own mandates and asking patients to avoid the grounds if they felt unwell, adding that this will likely cut significantly into wait times for emergency services. As well, the region’s movie theatres have instructed patrons to just watch TV, its buses have suggested you drive a car, and its food banks have told people just to buy their own food instead.
