WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of a near walkout by the US’s railway workers, experts have advised that an industry-wide strike would’ve led to supply chain disruptions of fun but exaggerated stories told by wandering vagabonds and scamps.
“If the trains were to stop running, the entire stories-for-food economy would crumble.” said long-time sundowner Boxcar Jimmy, who lives in fear that labor disputes would lead to him being only able to tell stories about Paul Bunyan in Minneapolis and surrounding areas that he could reach by foot. “If you can’t sing or dance, farfetched anecdotes are the only way to keep fingerless gloves on your hands.”
Jimmy, who claims to be the spokesperson for his branch of the local Swagman Union, states that he and his colleagues have considered what alternatives could be used should rail workers one day walk off the job, but with little success.
“Telling them it out of the back of a FedEx truck isn’t the same. We’ve had some success sneaking about ferries and cargo ships, but the audiences aren’t anything to get really excited about. And have you ever tried spinning a yard on Twitter? 280 characters aren’t nearly enough to tell about how John Henry once tried to run for Congress, yes he did.”
Canadian vagrant communities also commented about the effect a cross-border strike could have on their near livelihood. “It’s hard enough to break into the US as it is. Without a train to get off of, all our stories about Johnny Appleseed are just ramblings from a drifter,” says Windsor resident Tincan Annie.
“This is a real tough country to be a panhandler in. We got harsh winters, the Bindle Tax, and almost nowhere to go to get top hats that are slightly broken,” added Annie.
Should labor negotiations ever break down in the future, rovers are encouraging citizens not to take matters into their own hands. “Whatever you do, don’t go trying to make up your own tall tales if you’re not an experienced dodger,” advises Dusty Salim of Chicago. “For some reason, whenever a person without a patched-up suit jacket tries to tell a story about the time Roosevelt fought Bigfoot, it comes out really derivative.”
The hobo stories industry might not be the only thing that was troubled by whispers of a railway worker strike. Mustachioed villains everywhere confirmed that a walkout would reduce the effectiveness of them tying women to train tracks.
