LONDON, UK — Following the discovery of unmarked mass graves in Ukraine Prime Minister Justin Trudeau showed no tolerance for Russian President Vladimir Putin, declaring “Any country (besides Canada) that commits such atrocities must be properly investigated and held accountable for their actions (again, not Canada though).”
Trudeau made his comments while visiting to pay his respects to Queen Elizabeth II, a monarch whose colonial empire oversaw residential schools in Canada, where thousands of children were buried in unmarked mass graves. Trudeau also named Monday a national holiday in her honour, (again with an important asterisk).
Canada’s PM then returned to admonishing Putin: “No punishment is harsh enough for Russia,” proclaimed Trudeau, before tacking on in a slightly hushed tone, “In Canada, ‘no punishment’ was harsh enough.”
The Prime Minister continued, accusing Russia of countless heinous crimes such as: stealing land; breaking treaties; and violently assimilating the Ukrainian people into Russian culture. “Transgressions which are completely unacceptable,” he explained, “unless Canada is committing them.”
“The Government of Canada will stand in support of Ukraine and push back against Russia’s crimes,” Trudeau proclaimed. “Illegal activity from one nation that infringes on the rights of another nation must never be tolerated unless one of those nations, like, really needs a pipeline.”
Following his strong indictment of Russia (including Canadian carve-outs), the Prime Minister shifted gears to discuss other world issues, including the drinking water crisis in Jackson, Mississippi.
“It must be the personal responsibility of every world leader to provide clean drinking water to their citizens,” Trudeau began, before quickly adding, “Except in Canada, where it is acceptable to spend seven years promising to end boil water advisories and still not have a concrete plan in place to end such a crisis once and for all.”
