OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classic café fare, such as coffee and doughnuts.
“If you like our Boston-Cream-doughnut-flavoured granola bars, you’ll love our Boston-Cream-doughnut-flavoured-granola-bar-flavoured-doughnut!” said an excited representative for Tim’s. “Sure, this genius idea cost hundreds of thousands, but what else could we do with the money? Waste it on a living wage for the overqualified immigrants working our counters?”
Tim Hortons will also begin applying the same strategy they use for breakfast cereals to doughnuts: offering the same flavour for more than a week, rather than a constant rotation of overpriced specialty doughnuts that will never have time to build up a fan base before being discontinued, while old favourites disappear from more and more locations.
One exception to this phenomenon has been Old-Fashioned Plain, which remains a staple even though the ones currently available at your local Tim’s have sat untouched since the chain was formed in 1964.
While the company has provided coffee and doughnuts for some time now, polls show that the average Canadian much prefers the bold McCafe to the sour aftertaste of Tim Hortons’ lightly-flavoured scalding water.
“Yeah, we’re not sure how Tim’s fucks up coffee so badly,” said a spokesman for McDonald’s. “We didn’t even mean to make ours good, we just threw it on the menu for extra profit when we realized the cheap, quick ‘meals’ we provide tend to attract particularly caffeine-deprived customers.”
The same poll also found that Canadians largely favour the misshapen doughnuts they burned at home, which, despite being disappointingly air-fried rather than deep-fried, actually contain a greater amount of fat per serving since they have not been gradually shrunk down to a third the size of a Tim’s coffee cup lid.
Although the changes won’t take effect until September, Tim’s reminded customers that they do already make a passable green tea, which you can drive there and buy for a mere 200% of the price and 1000% of the effort of making one yourself.
At press time, Tim’s had scrapped plans to sell pizza, after realizing they hadn’t the faintest hope of making something half as inedible as Gino’s does.
