OTTAWA – In the wake of this week’s trillion dollar crypto-market meltdown, Conservative leadership candidate Pierre Poilievre has vowed to find an even riskier and more fraud-prone investment trend to campaign on.
“In March I promised to make Canada ‘the blockchain capital of the world’,” explained Poilievre to a crowd of supporters, “and I would absolutely still do that if the blockchain wasn’t currently being wiped out in a financial crash that experts are calling ‘1000% predictable’.”
“Now, since cryptocurrency is no longer an option, when elected as Prime Minister I vow to tie all Canadians’ financial futures to an even more hare-brained scheme!” Poilievre added. “Canadians will be able to opt out of inflation with a system even more frivolous, mercurial, and hostile to the environment than bitcoin could ever hope to be,” Poilievre concluded, to rapturous applause.
Campaign insiders report Poilievre is exploring a wide range of laughable financial contrivances, from classic pyramid schemes to exciting modern day multilevel marketing services.
“Pierre will revolutionize Canada’s economy once he invests all our income taxes into the exciting new dietary supplement company, Botanilife,” explained one enthusiastic aide. “Now instead of social security, Canadians will earn commissions based on how many of their friends and family they recruit to work under them. I definitely think he should be prime minister!”
Brian MacKlearny, a 24-year-old supporter from Calgary, wholeheartedly backed Poilievre’s search for a new cockamamie financial grift. “Do you think the Governor of the Bank of Canada would have the financial foresight to invest in a new currency system where investors trade Elon Musk’s used napkins that’ve been collected from restaurant garbage bins? I don’t think so!”
Poilievre himself has dropped some hints about the preposterous economic gamble he plans to shift his focus to, now that cryptocurrencies have almost fully imploded.
“My wife and I have been staying up late in the bedroom to watch fascinating YouTube videos about a new financial market called ‘magic beans’,” explained Poilievre. “All Canadians need to do to get in on the ground floor is trade in their family’s cow– I’m sorry, here I go with the technical jargon again.”
Still, Poilievre has assured his supporters that he will only be researching the most reputable sources as he searches for an investment to replace cryptocurrency. “Rest assured, once elected Prime Minister my cabinet’s financial policy will only be guided by the MOST unhinged of Discord communities, as well as every commercial Matt Damon makes.”
At press time, the Poilievre campaign proudly announced their newest financial advisors – MC Hammer, Nicolas Cage, and that Real Housewives of New Jersey couple.
