TORONTO – Local man Terrance Matthews has reported to his friends that he couldn’t relate to Turning Red’s main character while still deeply relating to Luke Skywalker from Star Wars.
“The important part of crafting a story is to make it accessible,” said Terrance, mapping out the rubric for film criticism he just came up with. “As a white guy growing up in Toronto, I found it very hard to relate to what a Chinese-Canadian girl growing up in Toronto felt like. However, as a 23 year old man whose parents were killed by storm troopers, leading me to discover my latent force-related powers in order to accept my destiny as the chosen one, Star Wars was immediately accessible to me and is why it’s so great.”
White men from all across the nation have shared similar opinions, like pawn shop owner Gerry McCormick who reportedly found the Pixar film “very unlikeable” while also reportedly loving the film American Psycho for how the film follows a character “you’re meant to hate but just can’t help liking.”
“I just never really encountered any situation the girl in Turning Red encountered,” explained Gerry using his tried and true version of film criticism he made up a second ago. “But when I was watching American Psycho and Patrick Bateman tells that one sex worker to eat the other one’s ass I had a moment of reflection where I finally saw my father as just a hurt child for the first time. Turning Red could have had some of those kinds of moments, but they just didn’t have the courage to dig deep enough.”
Derek Bradshaw, a local dogwalker shared a similar opinion in a recent tweet where he said, “Turning Red? Not relatable. Wish it was more like Star Wars where the main protagonist kisses his sister. Now THAT is relatable content!”
The backlash has caused Disney CEO Bob Chapek to promise white men all over the world that they will go back to having only relatable main characters in their films like Air Bud, Ratatouille, and A Bug’s Life.