What, they’re still doing that? Like with Omicron and everything? I mean, hello, and welcome to the 2022 Winter Games happening in… wait until Wikipedia refreshes… Beijing! Wait, is that a typo? Didn’t they already do an Olympics in Beijing? Uh, put a pin in that. We’re here to run down the 5 Winter Olympic events that have surely been hotly anticipated by… many people, and which we ABSOLUTELY DID NOT forget were taking place until our editor called us screaming in panic 15 minutes ago during breakfast.
Anyway, onto those exciting Winter Olympic events:
1. FIGURE SKATING
That’s gotta be an obvious one, right? People love to watch Olympic figure skating, and I have no doubt that this year is no different. Keep an eye out for… whoever is representing Canada [GOOGLE THIS BEFORE POSTING]. We’re confident that… that guy, and… his female skating partner… will take home the gold for Canada, and maybe even have some of the same on-ice chemistry as Tessa and Scott. Wait, are they competing? Retired? Aw hell…
2. MEN’S HOCKEY
Nothing beats the thrill of watching one of Canada’s greatest natural resources – NHL all-star players – team up to win their country a gold on the ice– Wait, what? NO ONE from the NHL? When was THAT decided? Aw shit, I think I remember hearing about this, somewhere between my 3rd pandemic rewatch of How I Met Your MOther and my weekly hour of sobbing. Anyway, hockey! Watch it!
3. NORDIC COMBINED
Pass.
4. VARIOUS SLED-BASED SPORTS
If there’s one thing that every Winter Olympics is known for, it’s a whole whack of weird sled-related downhill sports that absolutely do not exist outside the parameters of these games. Whether it’s bobsled, luge, bob-luge, or that weird one they call skeleton for some reason, it is an absolutely safe bet that some form of these downhill sports will take place this month in Beijing. Are we positive it’s Beijing? That still feels wrong to me.
5. SKI JUMPING
Canada’s ski jumping squad this year is a formidable team led by 3-time Olympic competitor Mackenzie Boyd-Clowes. He’s joined by new faces Matthew Soukup, Abigail Strate, and 18-year-old Alexandria Loutitt for the inaugural mixed team event, but they face stiff competition from the Slovenian team, whose Urša Bogataj has already captured gold in the Women’s Normal Hill Individual, and I have absolutely no idea where any of that came from. I didn’t look that up or copy it from another article or anything! Did I just slip into some kind of weird fight or flight fugue state where my brain accessed obscure Olympic knowledge? Or have I already researched all of this and forgotten, like that guy in Memento? What even is time any more? Am I gonna be okay, as we head into Year 3 of this godforsaken pandemic? Please, tell me I’m going to be okay.
Anyway, that’s the 5 events to watch for during this year’s Beaverton Winter Olympics Coverage! Enjoy!
